Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
#winning
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.