When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.