Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot