I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You Might Also Like
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.