I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!đ
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Why do my kids have Veteranâs Day off, they havenât done shit.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh thatâs Snow White, sheâs dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[dog people] hereâs my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. Iâll just see you later at home for free.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
opening gifts that say âfrom mom & dadâ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, itâs not my blood
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesnât know whatâs inside every meteorâŚ
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isnât a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Have kids so you can hear them say âwhy do I have to do everything around here?â when you ask them to feed the dog.