Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.