My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar