Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
God, I love Scotland
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
A friend sent me this.