grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”