My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am