Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue