[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
S O O N
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣