if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.