Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
You Might Also Like
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕