Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects