This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
<- sleeps well with others
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.