Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”