I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available