I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
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Meow
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Did my cat write this
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.