Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
One of the best
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what