Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
#Caturday
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense