No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.