The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’ve had worse