Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS