I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Breaking news:
not seeing the problem
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.