Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake