Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
🤣🤣🤣
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.