I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”