My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
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did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
me before I type out affect or effect
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.