There is no “we” in chocolate.
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.