1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.