Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what