I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.