Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.