I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Pickled cat.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist