A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
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Person says: hi
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time