My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
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Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know