I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
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I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
the greatest twitter interaction
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.