Shoo shoo! 😂
You Might Also Like
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.