Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
welp
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.