I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
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Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect