My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
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when revenge coincides with naptime
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.