If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.