Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Every BBC series about the universe.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona