Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving