Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You are what you delete.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Brands during Pride
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks