[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.