My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The news in a nutshell.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me