Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My work here is done
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.