I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Love is always patient and kind.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere